Why does John Crewe looks like he wants to die when anyone mentions the Endevor?

I know exactly who asked this because I saw it in the thread. I don't know. It's just something about that ship. Maybe it's the space farming ship that gets to me, or the absolute headache I know is going to hit us. Because it was before my time at the company, the absolute headache we're going to have with the modularity on it.